


The Naked Truth

by christinefromsherwood



Series: MI6 Cafe April 2020 Challenge [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Fanon Alec Trevelyan, Fluff and Crack, Gen, James Bond's Terry Cloth Onesie, any romantic relationship is very nebulous and not the point of this, is involved, prank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23684128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinefromsherwood/pseuds/christinefromsherwood
Summary: All Q wanted was a workout. He has no idea how he ended up having to help out James Bond out of a predicament in the changing room instead.
Relationships: James Bond & Alec Trevelyan, James Bond & Q
Series: MI6 Cafe April 2020 Challenge [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692931
Comments: 38
Kudos: 38
Collections: Mi6 Cafe Prompt Fills





	The Naked Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the MI6Cafe April Challenge: #11 **Jaws of Death:** Fill an anon prompt that no one has done yet.  
> I filled [this unfilled anon prompt](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1LwtIoqppLgPC3D0bJ5HF7ZcIJEnNgGmQcm21977FGJc/edit#gid=822770477&range=A12): Craig Bond wearing, for whatever reason, classic Bond's blue terrycloth onesie.
> 
> Thank you, Souffle, for reading it and laughing at it and betaing.

Q hung his head between his knees. It had been a long day and his brain needed sleep. Or caffeine. 

Behind him, by his locker, James Bond was silent. And _ naked. _

Q was also silent. With one shoe clutched in his hand and a big toe poking through a hole in his sock. His dinosaur sock.

They were both silent. Q waggled his toe in despair. So much for being the professional Quartermaster of MI6.

“I will wait until you leave,” he announced to the blue T-Rex eating his ankle.

“I…” Bond trailed off, then cleared his throat. “You see, Q, I  _ can’t _ .” 

Q rolled his eyes. Of course, Bond would pick now out of all times to be inconveniently chivalrous. “I will wait until she - or he - leaves, too.”

“Q, you don’t understa-”

“Bond, I refuse to get naked with you!”

All he’d wanted was a workout. That was all he’d wanted when he opened the door to the changing room to the sound of a metallic thunk and a whispered: “Bloody buggering fuck!” 

He should have just left when he had the chance.

It was rather late and he _ had _ heard stories about fresh-from-the-field agents and frustrated execs using the gym facilities to relieve their pent up energy once in a while. Q really had no desire to walk in on any of his subordinates’ bare arses smooshed against a steamed up shower door. 

But he’d also had a miserable day and wanted nothing more than to swim a few laps and then lay himself out in the sauna. 

He had thought that, surely, the chlorine in the water was bound to bleach any potentially scarring mental images out of his mind! In any case, a full night’s sleep was worth a few days of awkwardness.

He had been so wrong! 

Had he felt a moment of elation when he realised the bulky figure, straining to either get out of, or put on underwear out of the corner of his eye was in fact, James “I Made My Quartermaster Stay Up All Night” Bond? Perhaps.

Had he smirked, banged the door close and fairly strutted to his locker because the thought of making James “I Went To Drink With 006 And Missed My Flight” Bond lose his cool was immensely satisfying? Well, yes…

But then he’d put down his gym bag and bent over to untie his shoes and realized the fatal flaw in his plan to coolly ignore and embarrass James “I Fuck Everything That Moves, Even In The Workplace” Bond.

“Q, I don’t want to do this any more than you do. But I really need you to look at me.”

Q refused to look over. 

Sure, Bond was in the same room as him, embarrassed and half-naked. Sure, his scantily clad paramour was not far away. So far, so good.

But if  _ Q _ were to start changing into his trunks, he would  _ also _ be naked. They’d all be naked. In the changing room. Together. 

Neither his brain, nor Bluey, the T-Rex, had any advice on how to proceed. 

Q heard a sharp intake of breath.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Q, there’s nobody else here and I’m  _ not _ naked!“ Startled, Q jumped up at the shout and looked over his shoulder.. 

“What did you- Why did you-  _ What _ is that thing?!” 

Bond was wearing a baby blue… Well, it  _ wasn’t _ a towel. Of that Q was sure. Because it had a belt and a shiny buckle. 

But it also  _ wasn’t _ a bathrobe. Because it had two short trouser legs. At least, Q thought that’s what the two straining-at-the-seams, one-deep-breath-and-it-rips pieces of terry cloth were. But then, trousers were meant to cover and disguise the crotch area. This… did not. 

Plus there was that one short sleeve that Bond had managed to ram his biceps into… Still, this wasn’t a bathrobe, it was a…

“It’s a onesie,” said Bond, sheepishly, shrugging the one arm that was free of the  _ onesie _ and still had a range of motion. 

“What on earth were you roleplaying?!” Q yelped out before he could stop himself.

“Rolepla- Jesus, Q, I’ve told you! There’s no one else here! That was  _ the point _ !”

“Riiiiight.” Knowing that James Bond liked to dress up like a baby even without a partner,  _ strangely _ , did not reassure Q. “Look, Bond, I’ll come ba-”

“Q, you need to help me!”

“I am NOT-”

“Alec bet me I couldn’t do it!” 

“Look, I’d be grateful if you and 006 kept me out of your weird sex ga-”

“It’s not a sex game! Why does EVERYONE think I’m some sort of a sex maniac! I’m 50 years old! I just want to have breakfast for dinner every night and drink my whisky!”

Bond stopped shouting. Q only realised Bond had been shouting when the echo of his voice finally trailed off the tiles around them.

“Er…”

Taking a deep breath and still clutching his shoe, Q sat back down.

“Very well. Explain.”

“I’ve had this… I  _ bought _ this… It was a joke.”

“Uhuh. It’s … funny?”

“No! I mean that I bought this 20 years ago, as a joke. Alec bet me I wouldn’t.”

Q was starting to notice a pattern.

“And you’ve held onto a piece of child’s cloth-”

“It’s an adult size!”

“Bond,” Q said sternly, because it wouldn’t do to let Bond think he could start lying to his Quartermaster now. “I can see all of your genitals.”

“It must have shrunk in the wash!” Bond protested. “It’s  _ couture _ , Q!”

“It’s too  _ small _ for you, Bond!”

“I know! That’s why I need your help!”

“Why are you yelling at me, then?!” 

Bond closed his mouth with a click.

“I’m sorry. I apologize for the yelling, Quartermaster,” he began again, calmer. “You know how we went drinking in Berlin yesterday, Alec and me?” 

Q knew  _ how they went drinking in Berlin yesterday _ . They got on the wrong U-Bahn, missed their flight and he had to spend half the night hacking into Lufthansa to get them a new ticket because neither of them could be allowed to be in the country when the bodies were discovered.

Q smiled tightly and nodded.

“Alec asked me if I still had it and then bet me it wouldn’t fit me now.”

Q sighed. “Bond…”

“He called me fat!” 

Q blinked at him.

“You are  _ actually _ insane. Both of you.” 

He had long since given up trying to decipher the exact nature of the relationship between 006 and 007. But it still never ceased to surprise him. 

Q gave up on a short resolution for this too and went to put his shoe back on.

“Well, I didn’t want the first time I tried it on to be at home for him to see me and take a photo, did I? How is that insane?” 

Q closed his eyes. His tired, tired eyes. 

“No, you’re right, Bond. You acted in a completely rational manner.” 

“There’s no need to be sar-”

Q rolled his eyes and got to his feet. 

“Right, I’m going to go get scissors.”

“Scissors?!” Bond shrilled, horrified. 

Flinging out his arms, Q sat back down. “And how else do you propose to get out of this onesie of yours?”

“Q! This is coutu-”

“It’s  _ couture _ , I know. Well, you can either have your couture, or you can have your freedom.”

Bond seemed to consider it. “But Alec will know I lost if you cut it.”

Q smiled. 

“Well, when I cut it, you could always go home, go through his things, find your _actual_ ancient onesie and win the bet?”

Bond blinked at him, opened his mouth, then closed it again. 

“That bastard!” He slapped his terry-clothed thigh so hard the fabric groaned.

Q bit his lip to stop himself from laughing at him.

“But how did you  _ know _ ?”

Q raised an eyebrow. “Good terry cloth doesn’t shrink and I know your measurements. There’s no way  _ you _ could have ever fit into  _ that _ .” 

Rolling his eyes, he got to his feet again when he saw Bond start to smirk. 

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve still got it. Now shut your mouth and let me go get the scissors. I want to go swimming sometime this century.”

**Author's Note:**

>  **If you liked it, leave a kudos and/or a comment?** They make me happy and help me keep writing. :)
> 
> Also, here's a rec you absolutely HAVE TO try:
> 
> ### "7 Days In Q's Life" - A 00Q VISUAL NOVEL GAME!!
> 
> It's sweet and funny and fluffy and lovely. The art is gorgeous! I guarantee you 100% that it will brighten your day. And all of it was programmed, arted and written by the amazing [q00kies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/q00kies/pseuds/q00kies).  
> [ >>HERE IS THE LINK TO THE GAME'S AO3 POST<< ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23648065)


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